This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
buys donuts instead
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.