*puts my mental health in rice
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
This a good idea
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.