Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Yup
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection