*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me trying to walk in a dream
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Pickled cat.
buying dead houseplants to save time
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.