Banking tips
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris