My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.