where’s Godzilla when we need him
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?