[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
He just like my cat fr
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
#parenting
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”