big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Ain’t no way
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS