Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME