Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
You are what you delete.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.