starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.