twitter is a journey
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.