I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒