tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER