When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
You Might Also Like
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
“i miss shittin on people”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad