[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
You Might Also Like
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?