creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
the icebreaker
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
don’t be scared
Something Saturday.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn