I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
May never get over this
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it