In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
#winning
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”