Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.