Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.