Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen