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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Mistakes were made
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to