Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*