If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I support this random dude and all his protests
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I put the mess in domestic.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.