WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
we’re gonna need another temp
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.