my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”