Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.