Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
An odd boast
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.