I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
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Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?