The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS