HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
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Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs