STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Pigeon open mic night.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?