Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Festive toon…
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]