I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis