Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
You Might Also Like
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.