Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Banking tips
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.