My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If you can鈥檛 afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I鈥檇 bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Mike Tyson鈥檚 apartment building
Finished stitching this today 馃槆
I鈥檓 super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I鈥檓 pretty like a car crash.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I鈥檇 be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
#StillHurts
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Husband: How鈥檚 your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.