Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
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Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
you will never know the true number of layers
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.