When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.