Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
You Might Also Like
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
best first i’ve ever seen
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.