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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?