[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.