I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
You are not alone 💚
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
me hitting on a model
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up