Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
motivation
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE