[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
no refunds
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Zack Greinke stories are the best
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets