ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
excuse me
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.