My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
won’t smith
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here