I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!